ophelia's blog

a hacker, a fed, and a nun walk into a bar…

“How do I hack?”

with 13 comments

Hacking done right

This is a question I’ve been asked countless times by internet kiddies people who want to learn HOW TO HACK, I mean, seriously!

[sarcasm] Because, you know, people who actually want to learn a thing or two about computers hang around skiddie IRC channels and Twitter asking “How do I hack?” when they spot the nearest computer-literate person around. [/sarcasm]

Now, if you ask me this question and I’m not nice enough to ignore you, you’ll usually be presented with a set of instructions that are guaranteed to fuck up your computer in ways you never thought were possible – and best of all, all of that would be from your own doing. If only you spent a few minutes on Google looking up what those instructions would do, nothing would have happened and your precious little Windows box would remain the precious little pile of dung that it always was…but then again, if you cared and had the motivation enough to do a simple search, you wouldn’t be asking me “How to hack?”

I’m not known as a nice person online, but as I said, I try to generally be semi-nice, and after being gently reminded by people older and wiser that I am that being nicer wouldn’t hurt, I’ve decided to do a favor to all you kiddies who are oh-so-interested in knowing “How do I hack?”

Now that you’re paying attention: Do not ask that fucking question. It is meaningless and only makes you look like a retard. Do not even try to phrase it differently, as that question is still stupid and you still suck.

If, and only if, after doing a Google search or RTFM-ing and trying to figure shit out for yourself do you still have a question, mention what exactly is it you’re trying to do. Asking how to “hack” is so vague and meaningless as to make it a waste of time to anyone involved, but if you ask a specific technical question and show that you cared enough to attempt to find an answer for yourself, people will WANT TO HELP YOU.

BE SPECIFIC. Ask questions that can actually be answered. Ask questions that make you sound like less of a dumbass.

If you want to crack your gf’s MySpace account and you ask me this specifically, you will be mocked. Now, I know you kiddies are already wailing “But this is a specific question! Why are you laughing??!1!!!!”

Hey, dumbasses. The usual rule of asking questions, the all-important “DO NOT ASK STUPID QUESTIONS AND DO NOT BE DUMB IN GENERAL.” still applies.

What, did you really think I was going to let you off easy?

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Written by ophelia

July 25, 2010 at 12:55 am

Posted in FAIL, rants, tech

Tagged with , ,

13 Responses

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  1. THIS. I don’t even want to think about how many times well-meaning but clueless people ask me how to break into someone’s twitter, or score free crap on Amazon, etc.

    Half the problem is that people’s perception of hacking comes from movies and, at best, CNN. You can’t tell them to start off with “Hacking: The Art of Exploitation” or whatever, because they think hacking is something like DURR I’LL WRITE A VB GUI rather than, say, staring at lines of decomplier or wireshark output for hours on end.

    Honestly, “just fucking google it” is my stock response nowadays. I love to teach people, but they have to at least do the bare minimum legwork of knowing what it is they’re asking to learn about.

    //disclaimer: comment written while tipsy

    aloria

    July 25, 2010 at 1:37 am

  2. To start hacking, first you need to delete your system32 folder.

    Kyle

    July 25, 2010 at 4:57 am

  3. I recommend the Jargon file by Eric S Raymond.
    It’s got a really good primer on hacking.

    circumlocuted

    July 25, 2010 at 5:41 pm

  4. it pisses me off too, I ‘hack’ every day, it’s called werk and its trying to find ways to do what a client wants the best way for them, using the best tool for the job.

    Generally the people you are talking about are after ‘cracking’ (yea being pedantically painfull) and don’t realise that it comes from being able to hack in the first place (use your knowledge to find simple answers to complex problems). ie: experience and knowledge.

    The more I know, the more I realise I don’t know shit, and the more I get paranoid that what I am doing can be traced easily by anyone that knows their shit 🙂 The interwebz is so varied you really have to specialise to be uber in any one area you can’t do all, and not knowing all, you set yourself in the position someone else somewhere knows shit more than your shit.

    shit 🙂

    axxs

    August 21, 2010 at 2:23 pm

  5. I learned everything I need to become the World’s #2 Hacker from Greg Evans, the World’s #1 Hacker. Who needs you? 🙂

    armorguy

    August 27, 2010 at 9:38 pm

  6. The answer is simple: take a sad OS and make it better 🙂

    For some reason, people never ask how to be a fed or a nun.

    The Dod

    September 21, 2010 at 11:08 pm

  7. I’d say 90% of these are from jealous people trying to snoop into their partners affairs. I usually say “if you cant trust them – hacking their account wont help – you’ll always wonder anyways.”
    Then proceed to explain that this is the kind of thing that will get THEM hacked.
    guess im too nice 😉

    Luy

    October 1, 2010 at 5:04 am

  8. Anybody ask you, or aloria, how to hack? Seriously? Well, it is funny enough by itself. By the way great blog, I really liked “tech” category which has nothing to do with tech but it is still great.
    Girl hackers are the best. Their skill is almost as good as, well tbh i dont know cause the only thing they really do is *nothing*.

    PS.
    Joanna is a dude. Sadly.

    gandalf

    December 13, 2010 at 7:18 pm

  9. hacking ppl’s websites are and is a crime ppl who do this have nothing better to do in life than to steal money hack ppls accounts ie facebook ect grow up gods watching u all idiots

    Anonymous

    November 8, 2011 at 8:38 am

  10. god u talk shit im a real hacker and all u did was speak shit if any1 want to know how to hack for real messege me on facebook chrisdavies ull see a cartoon pic thats me i know phishing sql injection methods and brute force hacking and alot more dont lising to this shit its cyber dribble from from stuid cyber geeks that know nothing

    dethaces

    November 8, 2011 at 8:49 am

  11. you wasted ten min of my life reading this u retard

    dethaces

    November 8, 2011 at 8:54 am

  12. and me myself learn hacking for security u know so it dosent hurt to learn but if u want info ill tell u

    dethaces

    November 8, 2011 at 8:59 am


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