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a hacker, a fed, and a nun walk into a bar…

Archive for the ‘FAIL’ Category

LIGATT Security, the premium sockpuppet experts

with 6 comments

LIGATT/Evans’ sockpuppetry and his love of playing the race card is well known among those of us who have had the misfortune of having to tolerate his existence. Therefore, while all the evidence below is circumstantial, and could be explained away by attributing it to an overzealous Evans fan, for example…his past behavior clearly exhibits a pattern that makes even this circumstantial bit of trollvidence hightly suspicious.

Here is a comment left on my previous blog post regarding LIGATT’s amihackerproof.com failure. The IP address it was posted from is in the Atlanta area – where LIGATT’s office is located. It is from a Comcast business customer, which lends credence to the sockpuppet theory. I’ve also attached the notification email from WordPress in case of any “BAWWW YOU ARE MAKING IT UPPPPP!” nonsense.

We can only speculate as to what the case is, even though considering the situation, it is most likely Evans failing at something as simple as using a proxy while sockpuppeting. However, what is more interesting is the comment itself.

Look, Evans…we all know you love playing the race card. However, not every post mocking you and pointing out what a fraud you are is the work of “white men trying to bring a black man down” or whatever paranoid delusions you may have at the moment. We mock you not because you’re black, Evans, it is because you’re a fraud who makes our industry look bad. The most hilarious part about your comment is that, if you’d done two seconds of research (My real name is on my Twitter account, you dolt!), you’d realize that far from being a “white man,” I’m actually a brown woman.

So much for claiming that a criticism of your product was due to race, huh, Evans? It must be hard for your puny little brain to explain away why someone would criticize your product now that you’ve been made aware of the fact that you can’t use the “BAWWW WHITE MEN DON’T LIKE MEEEEE!” defense any longer here, can you now?

Oh Evans…despite me being a double minority, being brown and a woman, you don’t see me constantly whining about my gender, race, being persecuted, being attacked by “computer nerds in their basements” or whatever “Crap of The Day” you think up in one of your hilarious videos or posts. People who whine about gender/race/toenail size/whateverthefuck are more often than not trying to deflect from the fact that they don’t really know anything, and have nothing to contribute.

Your failure at being taken seriously, Evans, is not because you’re black. It is not because anyone is being racist. It is not a conspiracy to keep you down because you’re a minority.

It is because you are an idiot, a fraud, and a criminal.

Grow up.


Written by ophelia

December 4, 2010 at 3:01 pm

Posted in FAIL, LIGATT

Oh LIGATT, you crack me up!

with 3 comments

I tweeted a couple of months ago about how LIGATT’s now infamous amihackerproof.com site (which claims to be able to be able to tell if you are “hacker proof” – what the fuck is this shit anyway – by scanning your system for vulnerabilities) pretty much returns 0 vulnerabilities on almost every fucking system, including a test box of mine running Damn Vulnerable Linux. (The same thing was reported by the folks over at Attrition, as well as various other people.)

After Evans was given airtime on CNN again yesterday (some things never change), I decided, out of curiosity, to see if there was any improvement to be had on the LIGATT epic trainwreck front.

Ok, confession: I didn’t actually think LIGATT would improve anything even if a huge pile of hardened shit smacked them where the sun doesn’t shine, I was just bored and decided to have some cheap laughs at the loser Gregory Evans’ expense. There, I said it.

Now, here goes. The screenshot is pretty much self-explanatory, and I’d rather have the screenshots do the talking mocking instead of rehashing the same crock of LIGATT failures over and over again.

Here is another screenshot that makes it clear that it is an instance of DVL running in case Evans or one of his talentless army of sockpuppets try to utilize the BAWWW IT IS PHOTOSHOPPED PIXELS BAWWW. (I don’t have any Photoshopping talent anyway, but moving on…)

Strangely, this scan was going on a lot longer than any of the lolscans I’ve done via LIGATT’s site, so I was a tiny bit curious if they’d stolen another piece of software and claimed it as their own while somehow managing to configure it properly something had changed.

However, to nobody’s surprise, here are the results that I received via email. DVL has ZERO VULNERABILITIES, you guise! Totally safe and secure! Install it on your desktop now!


While it is funny to point and laugh at LIGATT/Evans, I honestly don’t understand why he keeps getting airtime spouting things that should be common sense. I get it, they need a “security expert” or whatever the fuck they’re calling those people these days blah blah, but why Evans? The average person on the street would probably be able to tell you the things Evans says in yesterday’s video (to give an example), and without the chance of fooling users who don’t care enough about security to do some basic research on Evans and his company before thinking “Hey, this guy is on CNN, he must be legit, I’ll go to his site, OH LOOKIE NO VULNS, I AM SAFE, SO I CAN NOW DOWNLOAD trollface.jpg.vbs.exe without worry! I am hacker proof!”


Frankly, I’m tired of talking about LIGATT, posting/tweeting about him, etc…because it seems that no matter how much we lay the facts out there, the media, his customers (if he actually has any), and the general public simply does not give a shit.

It is even more exhausting when mainstream media outlets validate his nonsense by letting him shoot his mouth off on air. I’m fucking tired of this crap, but I’m not going to pretend to have a solution as for how we can do better.

PS. Apologies for the awful image quality.

Written by ophelia

November 30, 2010 at 6:44 pm

Posted in FAIL, LIGATT

“How do I hack?”

with 13 comments

Hacking done right

This is a question I’ve been asked countless times by internet kiddies people who want to learn HOW TO HACK, I mean, seriously!

[sarcasm] Because, you know, people who actually want to learn a thing or two about computers hang around skiddie IRC channels and Twitter asking “How do I hack?” when they spot the nearest computer-literate person around. [/sarcasm]

Now, if you ask me this question and I’m not nice enough to ignore you, you’ll usually be presented with a set of instructions that are guaranteed to fuck up your computer in ways you never thought were possible – and best of all, all of that would be from your own doing. If only you spent a few minutes on Google looking up what those instructions would do, nothing would have happened and your precious little Windows box would remain the precious little pile of dung that it always was…but then again, if you cared and had the motivation enough to do a simple search, you wouldn’t be asking me “How to hack?”

I’m not known as a nice person online, but as I said, I try to generally be semi-nice, and after being gently reminded by people older and wiser that I am that being nicer wouldn’t hurt, I’ve decided to do a favor to all you kiddies who are oh-so-interested in knowing “How do I hack?”

Now that you’re paying attention: Do not ask that fucking question. It is meaningless and only makes you look like a retard. Do not even try to phrase it differently, as that question is still stupid and you still suck.

If, and only if, after doing a Google search or RTFM-ing and trying to figure shit out for yourself do you still have a question, mention what exactly is it you’re trying to do. Asking how to “hack” is so vague and meaningless as to make it a waste of time to anyone involved, but if you ask a specific technical question and show that you cared enough to attempt to find an answer for yourself, people will WANT TO HELP YOU.

BE SPECIFIC. Ask questions that can actually be answered. Ask questions that make you sound like less of a dumbass.

If you want to crack your gf’s MySpace account and you ask me this specifically, you will be mocked. Now, I know you kiddies are already wailing “But this is a specific question! Why are you laughing??!1!!!!”

Hey, dumbasses. The usual rule of asking questions, the all-important “DO NOT ASK STUPID QUESTIONS AND DO NOT BE DUMB IN GENERAL.” still applies.

What, did you really think I was going to let you off easy?

Written by ophelia

July 25, 2010 at 12:55 am

Posted in FAIL, rants, tech

Tagged with , ,

Cyber Shockwave? WTF is this shit?

with 21 comments

“This bot attack has spread from the wireless network to the internet.” “Virus migrating from cell phones to computers.” –Actual quotes from Cyber Shockwave

evil h4x0rs preparing to blow shit up

Heavy on the buzzwords, thin on the substance, and maximum FUD – that was basically what the whole exercise in stupidity futility hysteria “cyber warfare” was about.

Someone apparently thought that it was oh-so-likely that a smartphone app could be used to crash the entire cellular network, which somehow “infects” the internet, takes down air control systems, electrical grids, and…KABOOM! All this with this strange little something called ‘hax’.

Because, you know, all these systems are somehow connected to one another, and if one little part is pwned, it spreads to the entire system, goes on to spread and take down other seemingly unrelated systems, and then OMG DOMINO EFFECT EVERYTHING CAME CRASHING DOWN BECAUSE OF SOME EVIL H4X0RS!! THOSE H4X0RS, I’m telling you! Everything is down OH LAWD bring on the FUD and line my pockets with government contracts and restrict the internet!  IT COULD ALL COME CRASHING DOWN if we can’t have our filthy little tentacles slithering all over it and controlling everything! LOCK DOWN THE INTERNETS!!

h4x0rz were teh evilz and looked like this, even in 1995

The saddest thing is that most people don’t know any better, and those ignoramuses, brought up in a state of constant OMG TECHNOLOGY IS DANGEROUS AND IS GONNA KILL US OH FUCK PLEASE THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN would push for and support draconian measures to lock-down the internet. Of course, this is what the FUD mongers want (apart from more and more $$$, all the time). If people behind this crap actually gave two shits about accuracy, they would talk to people who knew at least enough about security to mock their bullshit to their faces and send the whole exercise to the drawing board.

One of the best examples of how those blabbering talking heads didn’t know what the fuck they were talking about was when they mentioned that the government “Can’t control the electrical grid from a central control…as the systems are different…” and that there are “thousands of different systems in the electrical grid.” Well, if that is the case, how the fuck did anyone think it is possible for the entire grid to be pwned by the same “rogue-smartphone-app-botnet-virus-whateverthefucktheycalleditatthe50minutemark” that took down all the other parts of the grid – and even all the other systems – and not only that, but at the same time?


(They probably learnt what a botnet was last Thursday in a cram session to make sure they looked like what passes off as ‘good’ on TV. Ignoramuses.)

What exactly do they think makes such a retarded scenario possible? Are they telling us that all those systems are public-facing? All of them – every single one – linked to the public internet? If that were the case, those responsible should be prosecuted for criminal negligence. They deserve to get pwned for being that retarded, but this level of ignorance is fucking criminal.

Now, now…I don’t think that is the case at all. Not all of these systems are public-facing, and there isn’t one central command that controls all the systems that OMG ONCE IT GETS PWNED EVERYTHING TOPPLES DOWN LIKE DOMINOS. Therefore, the only excuse I can think of for this embarrassment of an exercise is that they took technical advice from Hollywood. That makes sense now, doesn’t it?

As I earlier remarked on Twitter, why didn’t they ask real hackers for input on Cyber Shockwave? Oh, right – we’re all evil berserkers who blow shit up via smartphone apps.

a h4x0r stealing your gigahertz

Disclaimer: This post is heavy on the sarcasm, insults, and my weird sense of humor. If you don’t get it or are too stupid to figure it out, I’m sure Carolyn Meinel would be perfectly willing to help you. Now, GTFO.

Written by ophelia

February 22, 2010 at 6:36 am

Posted in FAIL, rants

Tagged with , , , ,

IE6, please die. Companies, stop BAWWWWing. Kthx.

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However, if you’re here and sticking around for the rest of my rant, you probably already know this. I’m saving you all the agony of having to sit through another rant about the many reasons that this outdated, insecure, CSS-muddling, pathetic excuse of a browser sucks. No need to thank me.

What really sends me into RAGE RANT CURSE mode, however, is the complete and utterly pathetic excuse some companies come up with for sticking with IE6. “BAWWWW, we have legacy app X that only works with IE6/we don’t have the money to fix this/we don’t have the resources to upgrade our shit, BAWWWW PITY ME PITY ME IT’S NOT OUR FAULT WE GOT PWNED SO HARD THAT PRISON RAPE IS ENJOYABLE BY COMPARISON!”

Nuh-uh. You don’t get to use those excuses, unless you’re perfectly willing to spend more money dealing with the fallout from getting pwned than you would have spent if you gave two shits about security in the first place. Enjoy the bad PR, loss of clients, and general mockery on top of that, BAWWWW Inc. You asked for it by being a stupid IE6 perpetuating fucktard.

Oooooh, but that’s not yet the dumbest of  the dumb BAWWWWfests that companies often throw while attempting to defend their choice to cling to IE6.  There are even those who react in this fashion: “BAWWWW I’m not willing to spend the money anyway, and MS has patched Vuln Y that led to Company AnotherStupidIE6Moron getting pwned in Incident Z! We didn’t get pwned this time, and it’s been patched, and SECURITY ISN’T THAT IMPORTANT RAH RAH IT WON’T HAPPEN TO MEEEEEEEEEE!”

Ha. If that’s your line of reasoning, I hope the next unpatched IE6 vuln bites you in the ass more severely than you could possibly imagine. You are beyond hope, and you deserve to be pwned hard. You deserve digital rape of the highest degree. It’s too bad that sometimes innocent users have to suffer for it. It will most likely happen to you, and in fact, it’s more likely than you think. Be very afraid.

You’ve probably been expecting me to get to this, but seriously, WTF WAS GOOGLE THINKING?! Now, I understand that they might have needed to use IE6 for testing/QA purposes, among other things. I am giving them the benefit of the doubt. However, given the fact that the concept of sandboxing was apparently lost on what is billed as a ‘technically sophisticated’ company, you simply have to wonder what the fuck was going on there. We may never know, but THAT CRAP IS STUPID, FUCKED-UP, AND INEXCUSABLE.

Sandbox that shit. Wrap it before you run it.

Don’t be yet another typical IE6-made-me-stupid moron. Quit the whining. Stop the BAWWWWing. Nobody cares, except when you get pwned and mercilessly mocked for your own retardation.

Written by ophelia

February 6, 2010 at 4:40 am

Posted in FAIL, rants, tech

Tagged with , ,

iPad: A bigger, clunkier, uglier, pricier, stupider iPod Touch

with 12 comments

Those of you that have been following me on Twitter know that I’m not a fan of over-hyped, overpriced, proprietary pieces of shit. You may also know that I have no need for a giant iPod Touch, and that my netbook runs Windows + Xubuntu + BT4 and does things that Apple’s lousy excuse for a tablet can’t. (Ok, I know that sounded kind of dirty…)

The internet has already gone through the basics of what’s lacking on the iPad. It isn’t revolutionary, it won’t change computing, hell – it can’t even run more than one app at a time! It doesn’t have a camera, can’t be used for presentations (no HDMI/VGA support), isn’t a fucking ‘Kindle-killer’, and it certainly is a long, loooooooooong way away from being a netbook killer. Suck it, Apple fanboys.

It’s funny that the very same Apple fanboys who claim that “BAWWW there is no need to run more than one app at a time!” were the same ones pointing, laughing, and snickering when Windows 7 for netbooks was rumored to only be restricted to 3! Whooope-de-do! Hell, some of the tech sites salivating over the iPad would have never let Microsoft get away with so much FAIL, but hey, you can’t make this shit up. Only the Apple Kool-Aid can.

On the subject of Flash, I’m rather torn on this. As much as I hate Flash and hope to see more and more devices moving away from it, for a tablet that bills itself as a netbook killer and a OH GOD A MULTIMEDIA CONSUMPTION DEVICE I’M GONNA CUM fanboy anal dildo, lack of Flash is unacceptable.

The  iPad is a locked-down, proprietary, Apple-controlled, DRM-laden failfest. It is clear that Apple is unwilling to open up its App Store, enable users to install third-party apps and apps that haven’t been explicitly allowed by Apple, or loosen their vice-like grip on their devices. Sure, the people who really want to tinker would jailbreak it eventually, but the point remains that users shouldn’t have to break into their own devices to actually, you know, use the device – nor face the possibility of legal action for tampering with a device that they own and paid for.

A netbook killer? Ha ha ha, Steve Jobs, you’re killing me…with laughter, that is.

Written by ophelia

February 4, 2010 at 3:38 am

Posted in FAIL, rants, tech

Tagged with , , ,