ophelia's blog

a hacker, a fed, and a nun walk into a bar…

Archive for the ‘rants’ Category

“How do I hack?”

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Hacking done right

This is a question I’ve been asked countless times by internet kiddies people who want to learn HOW TO HACK, I mean, seriously!

[sarcasm] Because, you know, people who actually want to learn a thing or two about computers hang around skiddie IRC channels and Twitter asking “How do I hack?” when they spot the nearest computer-literate person around. [/sarcasm]

Now, if you ask me this question and I’m not nice enough to ignore you, you’ll usually be presented with a set of instructions that are guaranteed to fuck up your computer in ways you never thought were possible – and best of all, all of that would be from your own doing. If only you spent a few minutes on Google looking up what those instructions would do, nothing would have happened and your precious little Windows box would remain the precious little pile of dung that it always was…but then again, if you cared and had the motivation enough to do a simple search, you wouldn’t be asking me “How to hack?”

I’m not known as a nice person online, but as I said, I try to generally be semi-nice, and after being gently reminded by people older and wiser that I am that being nicer wouldn’t hurt, I’ve decided to do a favor to all you kiddies who are oh-so-interested in knowing “How do I hack?”

Now that you’re paying attention: Do not ask that fucking question. It is meaningless and only makes you look like a retard. Do not even try to phrase it differently, as that question is still stupid and you still suck.

If, and only if, after doing a Google search or RTFM-ing and trying to figure shit out for yourself do you still have a question, mention what exactly is it you’re trying to do. Asking how to “hack” is so vague and meaningless as to make it a waste of time to anyone involved, but if you ask a specific technical question and show that you cared enough to attempt to find an answer for yourself, people will WANT TO HELP YOU.

BE SPECIFIC. Ask questions that can actually be answered. Ask questions that make you sound like less of a dumbass.

If you want to crack your gf’s MySpace account and you ask me this specifically, you will be mocked. Now, I know you kiddies are already wailing “But this is a specific question! Why are you laughing??!1!!!!”

Hey, dumbasses. The usual rule of asking questions, the all-important “DO NOT ASK STUPID QUESTIONS AND DO NOT BE DUMB IN GENERAL.” still applies.

What, did you really think I was going to let you off easy?

Written by ophelia

July 25, 2010 at 12:55 am

Posted in FAIL, rants, tech

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Cyber Shockwave? WTF is this shit?

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“This bot attack has spread from the wireless network to the internet.” “Virus migrating from cell phones to computers.” –Actual quotes from Cyber Shockwave


evil h4x0rs preparing to blow shit up

Heavy on the buzzwords, thin on the substance, and maximum FUD – that was basically what the whole exercise in stupidity futility hysteria “cyber warfare” was about.

Someone apparently thought that it was oh-so-likely that a smartphone app could be used to crash the entire cellular network, which somehow “infects” the internet, takes down air control systems, electrical grids, and…KABOOM! All this with this strange little something called ‘hax’.

Because, you know, all these systems are somehow connected to one another, and if one little part is pwned, it spreads to the entire system, goes on to spread and take down other seemingly unrelated systems, and then OMG DOMINO EFFECT EVERYTHING CAME CRASHING DOWN BECAUSE OF SOME EVIL H4X0RS!! THOSE H4X0RS, I’m telling you! Everything is down OH LAWD bring on the FUD and line my pockets with government contracts and restrict the internet!  IT COULD ALL COME CRASHING DOWN if we can’t have our filthy little tentacles slithering all over it and controlling everything! LOCK DOWN THE INTERNETS!!

h4x0rz were teh evilz and looked like this, even in 1995

The saddest thing is that most people don’t know any better, and those ignoramuses, brought up in a state of constant OMG TECHNOLOGY IS DANGEROUS AND IS GONNA KILL US OH FUCK PLEASE THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN would push for and support draconian measures to lock-down the internet. Of course, this is what the FUD mongers want (apart from more and more $$$, all the time). If people behind this crap actually gave two shits about accuracy, they would talk to people who knew at least enough about security to mock their bullshit to their faces and send the whole exercise to the drawing board.

One of the best examples of how those blabbering talking heads didn’t know what the fuck they were talking about was when they mentioned that the government “Can’t control the electrical grid from a central control…as the systems are different…” and that there are “thousands of different systems in the electrical grid.” Well, if that is the case, how the fuck did anyone think it is possible for the entire grid to be pwned by the same “rogue-smartphone-app-botnet-virus-whateverthefucktheycalleditatthe50minutemark” that took down all the other parts of the grid – and even all the other systems – and not only that, but at the same time?

HOLY CRAP THIS LEVEL OF STUPIDITY IS ASTOUNDING.

(They probably learnt what a botnet was last Thursday in a cram session to make sure they looked like what passes off as ‘good’ on TV. Ignoramuses.)

What exactly do they think makes such a retarded scenario possible? Are they telling us that all those systems are public-facing? All of them – every single one – linked to the public internet? If that were the case, those responsible should be prosecuted for criminal negligence. They deserve to get pwned for being that retarded, but this level of ignorance is fucking criminal.

Now, now…I don’t think that is the case at all. Not all of these systems are public-facing, and there isn’t one central command that controls all the systems that OMG ONCE IT GETS PWNED EVERYTHING TOPPLES DOWN LIKE DOMINOS. Therefore, the only excuse I can think of for this embarrassment of an exercise is that they took technical advice from Hollywood. That makes sense now, doesn’t it?

As I earlier remarked on Twitter, why didn’t they ask real hackers for input on Cyber Shockwave? Oh, right – we’re all evil berserkers who blow shit up via smartphone apps.


a h4x0r stealing your gigahertz

Disclaimer: This post is heavy on the sarcasm, insults, and my weird sense of humor. If you don’t get it or are too stupid to figure it out, I’m sure Carolyn Meinel would be perfectly willing to help you. Now, GTFO.

Written by ophelia

February 22, 2010 at 6:36 am

Posted in FAIL, rants

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IE6, please die. Companies, stop BAWWWWing. Kthx.

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RAH RAH DIE IE6 DIE RAH RAH RANT FIREFOX CHROME RAH RAH RAGE.

However, if you’re here and sticking around for the rest of my rant, you probably already know this. I’m saving you all the agony of having to sit through another rant about the many reasons that this outdated, insecure, CSS-muddling, pathetic excuse of a browser sucks. No need to thank me.

What really sends me into RAGE RANT CURSE mode, however, is the complete and utterly pathetic excuse some companies come up with for sticking with IE6. “BAWWWW, we have legacy app X that only works with IE6/we don’t have the money to fix this/we don’t have the resources to upgrade our shit, BAWWWW PITY ME PITY ME IT’S NOT OUR FAULT WE GOT PWNED SO HARD THAT PRISON RAPE IS ENJOYABLE BY COMPARISON!”

Nuh-uh. You don’t get to use those excuses, unless you’re perfectly willing to spend more money dealing with the fallout from getting pwned than you would have spent if you gave two shits about security in the first place. Enjoy the bad PR, loss of clients, and general mockery on top of that, BAWWWW Inc. You asked for it by being a stupid IE6 perpetuating fucktard.

Oooooh, but that’s not yet the dumbest of  the dumb BAWWWWfests that companies often throw while attempting to defend their choice to cling to IE6.  There are even those who react in this fashion: “BAWWWW I’m not willing to spend the money anyway, and MS has patched Vuln Y that led to Company AnotherStupidIE6Moron getting pwned in Incident Z! We didn’t get pwned this time, and it’s been patched, and SECURITY ISN’T THAT IMPORTANT RAH RAH IT WON’T HAPPEN TO MEEEEEEEEEE!”

Ha. If that’s your line of reasoning, I hope the next unpatched IE6 vuln bites you in the ass more severely than you could possibly imagine. You are beyond hope, and you deserve to be pwned hard. You deserve digital rape of the highest degree. It’s too bad that sometimes innocent users have to suffer for it. It will most likely happen to you, and in fact, it’s more likely than you think. Be very afraid.

You’ve probably been expecting me to get to this, but seriously, WTF WAS GOOGLE THINKING?! Now, I understand that they might have needed to use IE6 for testing/QA purposes, among other things. I am giving them the benefit of the doubt. However, given the fact that the concept of sandboxing was apparently lost on what is billed as a ‘technically sophisticated’ company, you simply have to wonder what the fuck was going on there. We may never know, but THAT CRAP IS STUPID, FUCKED-UP, AND INEXCUSABLE.

Sandbox that shit. Wrap it before you run it.

Don’t be yet another typical IE6-made-me-stupid moron. Quit the whining. Stop the BAWWWWing. Nobody cares, except when you get pwned and mercilessly mocked for your own retardation.

Written by ophelia

February 6, 2010 at 4:40 am

Posted in FAIL, rants, tech

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iPad: A bigger, clunkier, uglier, pricier, stupider iPod Touch

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Those of you that have been following me on Twitter know that I’m not a fan of over-hyped, overpriced, proprietary pieces of shit. You may also know that I have no need for a giant iPod Touch, and that my netbook runs Windows + Xubuntu + BT4 and does things that Apple’s lousy excuse for a tablet can’t. (Ok, I know that sounded kind of dirty…)

The internet has already gone through the basics of what’s lacking on the iPad. It isn’t revolutionary, it won’t change computing, hell – it can’t even run more than one app at a time! It doesn’t have a camera, can’t be used for presentations (no HDMI/VGA support), isn’t a fucking ‘Kindle-killer’, and it certainly is a long, loooooooooong way away from being a netbook killer. Suck it, Apple fanboys.

It’s funny that the very same Apple fanboys who claim that “BAWWW there is no need to run more than one app at a time!” were the same ones pointing, laughing, and snickering when Windows 7 for netbooks was rumored to only be restricted to 3! Whooope-de-do! Hell, some of the tech sites salivating over the iPad would have never let Microsoft get away with so much FAIL, but hey, you can’t make this shit up. Only the Apple Kool-Aid can.

On the subject of Flash, I’m rather torn on this. As much as I hate Flash and hope to see more and more devices moving away from it, for a tablet that bills itself as a netbook killer and a OH GOD A MULTIMEDIA CONSUMPTION DEVICE I’M GONNA CUM fanboy anal dildo, lack of Flash is unacceptable.

The  iPad is a locked-down, proprietary, Apple-controlled, DRM-laden failfest. It is clear that Apple is unwilling to open up its App Store, enable users to install third-party apps and apps that haven’t been explicitly allowed by Apple, or loosen their vice-like grip on their devices. Sure, the people who really want to tinker would jailbreak it eventually, but the point remains that users shouldn’t have to break into their own devices to actually, you know, use the device – nor face the possibility of legal action for tampering with a device that they own and paid for.

A netbook killer? Ha ha ha, Steve Jobs, you’re killing me…with laughter, that is.

Written by ophelia

February 4, 2010 at 3:38 am

Posted in FAIL, rants, tech

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